Remembering a lost love
by Miss SMG Depp Ackles
Summary: A short story about how Buffy feels after Spike died. This is her words for him but now it’s too late. He’s not there anymore. She writes a letter with her feelings for Spike in it. Everything she wanted to tell him. This is nice and emotional. PLEASE


**Remembering a lost love**

**Summary :**

A short story about how Buffy feels after Spike died. This is her words for him but now it's too late. He's not there anymore. She writes a letter with her feelings for Spike in it. Everything she wanted to tell him. This is nice and emotional. PLEASE R&R !

**Author :** Maryline

**Date :** October 2004

**I translate my French fanfics in English and have pen pals to correct. Thanks very much Kime for correcting this one !**

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It happened a week ago but she could still feel Spike's hand in hers. She had taken his hand before it caught fire. She had told him that she loved him and he just answered by "no you don't, but thanks for saying it". After that she cried and ran away to be saved. This is the last time she saw him. When she left she realized how much she did love him. It was too late. He gave his life to save the world and she would never see him again.

It was the next morning and Buffy was in her bed. She couldn't sleep but she could at least try. Since it happened she had been having nightmares. Once she dreamt she was at Spike's place. She was saving the world, he took her hand and told her how much he loved her. Then she died. She wished it had happened that way cause now she has to live with it, with that feeling she could have had a great life with him. She could at least have told him how much she cared about him but she never did. She never dared to tell him about it. She regretted it and wished she could turn back time.

"If only I could turn back time" she thought.

"What am I going to do now, without you Spike ?".

She woke up, took a piece paper and a pen and decided to write down her feelings for Spike.

_Dear Spike,_

_I know it's too late but..._

_I don't know how to tell you this..._

_Well I love you and I always did_

_You meant everything to me_

_I wish I could turn back time._

_And if I could I wouldn't let you go_

_Not like this_

_I know what you're thinking about _

_What would I have told you ?_

_I would have told you how much I loved you_

_How much I cared for you_

_Nothing is the same without you_

_And it will never be_

_We shared lots of happy moments and I wish_

_I could still share those with you_

_But now I'm alone_

_You didn't believe me_

_When I told you I loved you_

_Because you thought I was saying that_

_Because you were going to die_

_You knew it was the last time we were seeing each other_

_But the thing is I truly meant it_

_I did love you and I still do_

_Spike if only you could be here with me right here, right now_

_I'd be so happy_

_I know it's impossible_

_Or maybe Willow could arrange something_

_I'll ask her right after sending this letter_

_I wanted to tell you how much I loved you_

_You were so special_

_And that's positive_

_You know I love special boys_

_And you were absolutely perfect_

_We weren't good friends at the beginning_

_But then we became closer_

_And I loved that_

_I know you did, too_

_I always felt it_

_At first it was only sexual_

_But then it changed_

_And we really began developing feelings for each other_

_Maybe you never thought mine were real_

_But they were_

_And they still are_

_I will never forget you_

_I wish you were with me now_

_I would tell you this_

_And we'd have a big hug_

_I'd feel so good !_

_I always felt good in your arms_

_I feel secure, and happy_

_I couldn't be just me around others_

_But with you I could_

_You always told me to be myself_

_And with you I was finally able to be me_

_I never wore a mask or anything_

_The real me was enough for you_

Buffy stopped writing because of the tears which started to fall down her cheeks.

_If only there was a grave for you_

_I could bring you flowers and visit you_

_But there's not_

_I can't stop thinking "why you" ? "Why did I give you this necklace which killed you ?"_

_I loved you so much_

_You were so important to me_

_My reason to live_

_I was so happy to see you_

_And I know that was the same about you_

_We were so good together, so happy_

_I never knew someone like you before_

_After Angel, you're the only one I ever really loved_

_I wish I told you that before_

_When you were here with me_

_But I guess I wasn't brave enough_

_I was scared to know your reaction_

_Now that you're gone I'm sad_

_More sad than I have ever been_

_Remember you always called me "love"_

_This word felt so right in your mouth_

_I loved it so much even if I didn't admit it at first_

_And the way you always looked at me_

_You had stars in your eyes_

_Every time you looked at me_

_I felt something burning inside of me_

_It was my heart beating for you_

_You were so special_

_If only I told you that before_

_But I wanted you to know how much I cared for you_

_I wish I told you before_

_Now it's too late_

Tears keep coming out of her eyes as she was writing this letter to Spike. She had never told anyone that before. But it felt so right to her, so natural. She didn't need to think about the words they were naturally coming in her mind.

_Look at me_

_I'm here alone in my room writing this letter_

_I'm sure you'll say something funny like __"you don't have any vamp's ass to kick ?"_

_And we'll laugh together_

_Or you'll just take me in your arms and we'll kiss_

_I loved you so much_

_Life will never be the same without you_

_Even Xander misses you_

_See how much people cared about you !_

_That's not funny I know but everyone's sad about you_

_They all loved you and they miss you now_

_Spike may you rest in peace_

_I'll never forget you !_

_I'll try to find a way to see you again_

_Your "love",_

_Buffy_

She put down her pen and read her letter again. Then she fell with it on her bed and cried. She cried all the tears she had inside. Her life would never be the same without Spike and she knew it.

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**END. PLEASE REVIEW MY STORY TO TELL ME YOUR OPINION ABOUT IT.**

**THANKS TO ALL READERS FOR READING AND REVIEWING**


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